Last week the 90 minute documntary Peter Andre: Going It Alone gave ITV2 their highest ratings of the year.
below is a review of it by Grace Dent in The Guardian
“Don’t bring your baggage to the stage, Pete!” barks Peter Andre’s choreographer, irate that a T4 on the Beach appearance has resulted inHarold Lloyd-style woe.
Andre’s emotional “baggage” might cast a shadow over pop performances, but it’s a ray of sunshine for ITV2. This week’s all-access divorce-umentary Peter Andre: Going it Alone gleaned the channel’s highest rating of the year: 1.2 million viewers. Dry your eyes mate, where there’s misery there’s money. Sadly, for some viewers, 95 minutes of Andre’s “feelings and emotions” possibly seemed like an arduous task. Don’t fret, here’s the five-point recap.
1. Peter goes to Ikea
Peter needs new tea-towels and tea-lights for his big, new, empty, Katie Price-less house. He’s clearly in the grip of breakup hell; eyes puffy, cheeks heavy, distracted. What Pete needs to perk him up is a trip to Ikea accompanied by two managers, his brother and an ITV2 camera crew. A trip which causes so much fuss that the staff actually get on the roof to cheer “PETER! PETER!” as he leaves. Misery loves company.
2. Peter unveils his new single
Pete affords us the pleasure of new single Behind Closed Doors. The lyrics, he says, are “very personal”. If only we knew what went on in Pete’s marital home “behind closed doors”, we’d see his story in a different light. On first listen the track sounds like TK Maxx Justin Timberlake, but after two dozen more plays over the course of 95 minutes it hypnotises you into meek acceptance.
“Behind closed doors!” Peter sings, rocking out mournfully to the pithy chorus. The fact Peter and Katie haven’t so much as broken wind “behind closed doors” since 2004’s I’m a Celebrity … clearly evades him. During subsequent scenes, Pete continues to hint of a TERRIBLE SECRET REASON he has for leaving his wife that he will NEVER EVER TELL.
3. Peter throws a barbecue
Peter doesn’t organise his barbecue properly. The burgers are burned.The bouncy castle isn’t bouncy in time. The guestlist is slapdash.Chantelle, her-who-was-married-to-Preston, shows up and picks the black bits off a sausage, sadly. The Andre kids, Junior and Princess, receive another televised pep talk from Peter about how mummy and daddy love them both very much and they’re so lucky to have all these different homes! Junior doesn’t look convinced. He’s five years old, but even he can see through all this crap.
The voiceover reminds us that eldest child Harvey isn’t at the barbecue as Katie has “refused permission to let him be filmed”. Oof. Messing up each other’s reality TV filming schedules? THE CRUELLEST BLOW OF ALL!
4. Peter meets Chris Moyles
Peter is booked for the Radio 1 breakfast show. Peter leaps from the people carrier, bushy tailed and wide-eyed whooping “This is where it all starts!” His joy is quelled by Moyles playing Peter’s 2004 track Insania. Peter is deeply ashamed of Insania and does not want to speak of its chipper cod-Caribbean take on mental illness ever again. Moyles talks endlessly about the split and Katie’s Piers Morgan interview and Peter crawls inside his emotional shell again. If there was a sound effect to sum up this section it would be a party kazoo stopping mid-parp.
I feel like calling ITV2 and inviting Peter to live in my spare room. We could play scrabble and I’d make soup. No one would need to film it.
5. Peter Andre plays T4 on the Beach
Tension mounts backstage. “Focus Pete! Focus!” warns Peter’s management. This is a very very very important performance which will bring Behind Closed Doors to a whole new audience of pop purchasers. Pete saunters on stage to wild applause … but within a minute manages to fall off a set of stairs clumsily into the audience, knocking his earpiece off and his sunglasses wonky. “I don’t think you should have done that,” the woman from his management company suggests helpfully as Pete sits backstage, head in hands.
The documentary closes on a sombre note. Stay tuned viewers – there’s bound to be lots more.
